"The first step towards getting somewhere is deciding you're not going to stay where you are."

My recent life has been tragic and I'm strangely content. But I might just be mistaking emptiness. I don't feel upset or sad... but I really don't feel anything. Except exhaustion. I feel like I haven't slept in weeks. What's worse is that I feel like I won't sleep for weeks. Classes started and I'm already behind, I already started work, all those bills I paid off are building up again, and I am in the middle of reigniting countless friendships. I forgot that I have been gone for 8 months, not just a summer.

I'm excited to be settling in again. I have taken to spending absolutely all of my spare time nesting. I have bought so much stuff for my room it's hard to believe it fits in that tiny space. But it does. And I love it. At the same time though, I am having a hard time being still. I've gotten so used to leaving. All I've been doing this year is leaving. And getting nowhere. I still feel like I've gotten nowhere. So how can I stay?

I've decided that "stay" is the most terrifying word that I have ever heard. And yet the word I most like to hear.

I am full of contradictions today. I used to think contradictions added interest to character, but I see now that they're weakness. I've probably changed my mind about them because indecision has been kicking my butt lately.

I'm ready for something big. Something to make me decide. Something to make me stay.