little earthquakes

new hair does not equal new self confidence.

lesson learned.

[ Insert Any Fiona Apple Song Here ]

"What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now."

Right now. It's a Monday, it's going to be a busy day... and it's the start of a busy week. But it's a new week. And I'm finally ready for it. I have made a lot of mistakes; there are a lot of things I shouldn't have said, and even more that I probably should have shouted at the top of my lungs. I can't change any of that. I probably won't even be able to change myself in any way for the better. But I'm going to try. I'm done putting everything ahead of me. I will probably always put myself second, but I need to stop putting myself third of fourth...

Unfortunately, this isn't the first time that I have come around claiming imminent revolutions, and this won't be the first time that nothing comes of these claims. I’m sure it’s starting to get old. Hearing me feign passion and self righteousness and talk on and on about all the things I will never do again, about everything I’m going to change, and about how great it will be when I finally do change.

But something definitely does need to change. Right now, everything in my life feels stale, I feel like I’m passing time until the next chance I get to enjoy myself. And that chance doesn’t seem to come. All of my problems are old, sour issues. That’s probably why I won’t be able to draw too much passion out of myself to fix them… because I have dealt with them all so many times before.

Obviously I had an eventful weekend in terms of self-discovery. The details are unimportant, actually nothing out of the ordinary really happened. But I’ve just gotten tired of running old patterns and of feeling tired self-doubt.

In terms of a solution, all signs seem to be pointing to my lack of confidence. And by all signs I mean that between Saturday night and Sunday I was reprimanded by at least seven people specifically about my need to be assertive. It’s about time I start believing their compliments and it’s about time I start believing in myself. I guess I agree with this. I guess it’s just that I really don’t know how to be confident, genuinely. So that’s what I’m starting with.

Right now.

What Makes Love the Exception

I think the problem is that I don't actually believe that I deserve better.

Against All Odds

i want a gap cashmere sweater more than i have wanted anything ever. at least this week. but seriously... i actually considered spending $88 on a sweater that i would also have to dry clean. at least now i've regained sanity and am considering finding someone to buy me one. is it christmas yet? honestly... do i really want a sweater that costs more than my bed? and half of my textbooks?

yes. i do.

happy hump day everyone. i'm finally feeling a little bit more balanced lately. although my workload is snowballing out of control. i got a whole bunch done last night, and even had time to go out to dinner and lounge around for a while. but i have a feeling that no matter how much i get done, and how fried my brain gets, i should be doing more. i found out yesterday that i have a conservation test on friday. why am i not taking that class pass/fail? oh yeah, because my gpa sucks and i need all 17 credits of A's this semester. blah. i've only gone to 3 classes so far. and we already have a test?!?!? welcome to college, eva. i should have known.

is it the weekend yet?

i haven't really talked to my mom in a week. it's weird. usually even if we're in a fight, when i leave we go back to talking every day or every other day. and i'm too chicken to call her and just talk because i know she's going to yell at me about my finances. i hate hate hate talking about money with her. and it's all she's been nagging me about lately. it's all that she's been talking about too. i think about serious stuff too much on my own, i'd like to call home and talk about stuff like pets and family and how i'm doing with life. i think i'm missing this a lot, and it's been contributing to my negative mood lately. i tried calling her last night and she didn't pick up. i can't believe we've reached that point.

i am so thankful though, for my friends at school. somehow, no matter how stressful, frustrating, or just bland my day is, i can find exactly the right kind of consolation. i wish i could take them all and sew them into a quilt... so that i can carry it with me and cuddle right into it whenever i feel overwhelmed. that was sappy. but true. especially now that the weather is cold... because then not only would they cheer me up, i could stay warm! yes... i'm a nerd... but between homemade dinners, lounging and watching tv, and making dictionaries of goofy words that we use, i have felt so at home... these people are my family, and i love the nerdy they bring out in me.

Pull the Ripchord the Ship has Lost its Sail

Oh Mondays. I dragged myself out of bed today (barely) for work at 7:30am, and it was stillllllll drizzling. Just like it has been all weekend. Cold. Wet. Rain. Bleh. After work I crawled back into bed and slept through some classes. So much for breaking old habits.

The rest of today was just about as exciting as the weather. I ran some errands, I bought groceries. I watched Citizen Kane in Film, surprisingly I didn't sleep through it. And now I'm doing homework. Well..... now I'm online pretending to do homework. But I will get homework done. Soon...

I found out that Dave and I won't get to hang out in the cities. That's the lamest thing I think I've ever heard. The Cross Country Coach said that since they're going down their for the meet, they have to be all business and such. I was super disappointed when he told me today. Super super disappointed.

I really hate this weather because it affects my mood so directly. I just can't be cheery when it's gray outside. Ugh.

I'm tired of doing homework, and I'm not sleepy. I'm going to watch some Dawson's Creek with the roomies.

Come Sail Away With Me

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WIFEY!!!!

I love you to itsy bitsy little pieces. Enjoy being 21. But don't enjoy it too much without me.

And I'll get you your present soon.

Next Time, Banana Pancakes

Best. Saturday. Ever.

I spent the entire drizzly morning lounging in bed. At 11:45 Jessi joined me and we laid around in our pj's, watching Jersey Girl and putzing around online. As the afternoon began, we realized we were starving, but I was way too lazy to cook anything. We considered going to Perkins, but once again, laziness got the best of us. So Jessi jokingly mentioned to her friend Paul that he should bring us breakfast in bed, and promised him quality cuddle time in exchange. And he did it! He brought us breakfast!!! He went to Perkins and got us eggs and bacon and hashbrowns and pancakes and delivered them to us in bed!!! We could barely believe it. He ended up having band practice and couldn't stay to cash in his cuddling, but we're honorable girls, we'll keep our word... maybe. Or maybe we'll take advantage of this newly discovered power and spend every Saturday morning luring unsuspecting breakfast delivery boys into our bedrooms.... We'll see.

I'm spending the rest of the day celebrating Emily Maguire's birthday. We're going to the Target in Lacrosse (because our Target currently sucks) and then we're heading back to their apartment for tacos and general merriment. I'm super super excited. It's going to be a super nerdy great time!!!

Monday you could fall apart, Tuesday Wednesday break my heart, Thursday doesn't even start...

It's Friday! Finally.

The week went by tantalizingly slow, I am looking forward to having a weekend in Winona to sit back, breathe, and have some fun. And also to get a little more work done. We'll see how that goes...

I am so greatful that today is going as well as it has. I've made it through my classes relativiely unscathed, especially since I'm still not caught up with all my reading. We had a quiz in International Relations that Emily and I both bombed, but as long as I change my habits soon I don't think it will be too big a deal. I was actually prepared for Global Studies today, because the majority of the quiz was based on "An Inconvenient Truth." My professor kind of talked circles around the issues though and it got really frustrating to listen to. It's as if he took all of the good logic and reasoning behind environmentalism and smeared it with his words. Just ran his fingers straight through all of it and left it with so much less value. I was really disappointed.

I did get some really good news today though... Dave found out when he's going to be in the cities with the Cross Country team and it's coming up! September 22! Plus he said he's going to be free all of Friday so I'll actually get to hang out with him. So I'm planning on heading up to the cities Friday after class and then spending the weekend at Katie's. So not only do i get to see Dave, I get to finally see Katie too!!! I'm SO excited. I was beaming when I found out. Weee!

And today I'm having coffee with Keisha, who I haven't seen in forever, and then hanging out with Andy... steaks are going to be involved. And after that? It's Friday and I don't have to wake up tomorrow morning so it's promising to be FUN!!! What a great day.

I have to go watch a nasty movie about Latin American development for Intro to NA now. It's going to be bloody. At least we were warned.

And maybe some faith would do me good

Week two of classes started and I can already tell I'm not on the right track. I've been putting off reading and gotten back into last year's bad habits. I have been worrying only about getting by day to day and week to week instead of considering how quickly long term homework is going to pile up. Especially since the majority of my classes rely heavily on reading. It's making me nervous, if I've already managed to find excuses how easily will they come to me when i really start to get tired?

I guess I'm just lacking balance still. I'm not used to being in one place for so long and I've gotten caught up in organizing and decorating and planning and socializing instead of getting right into learning and such. I didn't have enough of a buffer period between the fun of summer (fun.... sure....) and being back at school. I really need to stop being so passive with my time.

My frustrations may also be running so high because I'm kind of an emotional wreck- I'm getting my heart trampled. The scary thing is I may very well be the one instigating the heartache. I feel like I almost thrive off of it. I like being shaken up and having to wriggle around and then finally settling back down with all the pieces shifted this way and that. I feel like I'm straight out of a Fiona Apple song.

I'm such a girl.

"The first step towards getting somewhere is deciding you're not going to stay where you are."

My recent life has been tragic and I'm strangely content. But I might just be mistaking emptiness. I don't feel upset or sad... but I really don't feel anything. Except exhaustion. I feel like I haven't slept in weeks. What's worse is that I feel like I won't sleep for weeks. Classes started and I'm already behind, I already started work, all those bills I paid off are building up again, and I am in the middle of reigniting countless friendships. I forgot that I have been gone for 8 months, not just a summer.

I'm excited to be settling in again. I have taken to spending absolutely all of my spare time nesting. I have bought so much stuff for my room it's hard to believe it fits in that tiny space. But it does. And I love it. At the same time though, I am having a hard time being still. I've gotten so used to leaving. All I've been doing this year is leaving. And getting nowhere. I still feel like I've gotten nowhere. So how can I stay?

I've decided that "stay" is the most terrifying word that I have ever heard. And yet the word I most like to hear.

I am full of contradictions today. I used to think contradictions added interest to character, but I see now that they're weakness. I've probably changed my mind about them because indecision has been kicking my butt lately.

I'm ready for something big. Something to make me decide. Something to make me stay.