[ Insert Any Fiona Apple Song Here ]
"What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now."
Right now. It's a Monday, it's going to be a busy day... and it's the start of a busy week. But it's a new week. And I'm finally ready for it. I have made a lot of mistakes; there are a lot of things I shouldn't have said, and even more that I probably should have shouted at the top of my lungs. I can't change any of that. I probably won't even be able to change myself in any way for the better. But I'm going to try. I'm done putting everything ahead of me. I will probably always put myself second, but I need to stop putting myself third of fourth...
Unfortunately, this isn't the first time that I have come around claiming imminent revolutions, and this won't be the first time that nothing comes of these claims. I’m sure it’s starting to get old. Hearing me feign passion and self righteousness and talk on and on about all the things I will never do again, about everything I’m going to change, and about how great it will be when I finally do change.
But something definitely does need to change. Right now, everything in my life feels stale, I feel like I’m passing time until the next chance I get to enjoy myself. And that chance doesn’t seem to come. All of my problems are old, sour issues. That’s probably why I won’t be able to draw too much passion out of myself to fix them… because I have dealt with them all so many times before.
Obviously I had an eventful weekend in terms of self-discovery. The details are unimportant, actually nothing out of the ordinary really happened. But I’ve just gotten tired of running old patterns and of feeling tired self-doubt.
In terms of a solution, all signs seem to be pointing to my lack of confidence. And by all signs I mean that between Saturday night and Sunday I was reprimanded by at least seven people specifically about my need to be assertive. It’s about time I start believing their compliments and it’s about time I start believing in myself. I guess I agree with this. I guess it’s just that I really don’t know how to be confident, genuinely. So that’s what I’m starting with.
Right now.
Right now. It's a Monday, it's going to be a busy day... and it's the start of a busy week. But it's a new week. And I'm finally ready for it. I have made a lot of mistakes; there are a lot of things I shouldn't have said, and even more that I probably should have shouted at the top of my lungs. I can't change any of that. I probably won't even be able to change myself in any way for the better. But I'm going to try. I'm done putting everything ahead of me. I will probably always put myself second, but I need to stop putting myself third of fourth...
Unfortunately, this isn't the first time that I have come around claiming imminent revolutions, and this won't be the first time that nothing comes of these claims. I’m sure it’s starting to get old. Hearing me feign passion and self righteousness and talk on and on about all the things I will never do again, about everything I’m going to change, and about how great it will be when I finally do change.
But something definitely does need to change. Right now, everything in my life feels stale, I feel like I’m passing time until the next chance I get to enjoy myself. And that chance doesn’t seem to come. All of my problems are old, sour issues. That’s probably why I won’t be able to draw too much passion out of myself to fix them… because I have dealt with them all so many times before.
Obviously I had an eventful weekend in terms of self-discovery. The details are unimportant, actually nothing out of the ordinary really happened. But I’ve just gotten tired of running old patterns and of feeling tired self-doubt.
In terms of a solution, all signs seem to be pointing to my lack of confidence. And by all signs I mean that between Saturday night and Sunday I was reprimanded by at least seven people specifically about my need to be assertive. It’s about time I start believing their compliments and it’s about time I start believing in myself. I guess I agree with this. I guess it’s just that I really don’t know how to be confident, genuinely. So that’s what I’m starting with.
Right now.
posted by Eva at 10:34 AM
1 Comments:
i think you and i need to work on being assertive together.
i love you, or i wouldn't have married you.
if you walk away, i walk away.
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